Saturday

Today is the day of the wedding. K has to get up early to begin her bridesmaidly duties - which, as far as it affects me, involves using our room to prepare the bride in. Unceremoniously chucked out of bed, I wander downstairs and practice the time-honoured bloke-at-wedding art of "staying out of the way" - after having grabbed a bit of toast in one of the many dining rooms.

I sit outside with the groom and ushers and other assorted unnecessary males until it's time to get ready and the non-resident guests start to arrive. Having unwisely forgotten my smart shoes I sneak into a bathroom and stick on my Primark shirt-n-tie combination and the trousers I got last weekend for the London Book Fair, alongside my rather too casual Nike Air trainers. Hmm. Hopeful that I'll get away with it, I put on a brave face and head downstairs to find Nick, with whom I manage to dig up a couple of sneaky pre-wedding beers and hide in the table tennis room until we are required.

People we know start to arrive and everyone gathers in the back garden waiting to be called in for the ceremony. The ceremony itself is very nice and K looks great as a bridesmaid - thankfully, unlike church weddings, this one doesn't drag on too long either and soon we are back out on the lawn enjoying champagne and canapes while the bride throws her bouquet and, essentially, the partying part of the wedding begins. Dinner is served shortly after, which involves a Pie Minister pie pre-selected by each guest, along with copious amounts of red wine (especially for K and I, in that we are sat on the same table as the bride's father who calls over the catering staff for reserves every time the booze looks like running low).

Around this time (2pm or so) I become aware that my DJ set is not until 11.30 - leaving a full 9 hours or so to remain in more-or-less working order. This, unfortunately, doesn't really go to plan: by 8pm (when the cured ham and cheese comes out) I am so drunk I can barely stay awake, so K sends me upstairs for an hour's nap. I awake just as she is due to go on with her floorfillers set, incredibly groggy and confused, but sort my brain out with a can of Diet Coke - then get on the beers. I jump around like a twat to K's perfect choice of music and, amazingly, am operating at some sort of coherent level again by 10.30.

I get on the decks at 11.30 intent on having some fun playing dubstep and electronica stuff - even though it turns out that most of the guests have drunk themselves out of contention by this point and I am performing to precisely three (appreciative) people. Never mind - I have fun, and stumble up to bed the second my set finishes at 12.30.

It's been a great wedding, and both the bride and groom looked great and carried the whole thing off fantastically well. I could have done without the mid-evening wipeout, but then there's another full day of fun left in this crazy party house.